A digest for conscious living
I had to meet with a client extremely early this morning, and have been occupied all day, so I have not yet had time for my practice. Im planning on getting in at least a brief meditation before bed.
Its amazing how for such a large part of my life my judgements prevented me from truly being myself. Its not like I was consciously pretending to be someone but I had unconsciously created an ideal and was eternally trying to live up to that ideal. In fact, I wonder to what degree I even created the ideal, perhaps it was created for me by the programs of socialization and education that were running in my mind. Whatever the case may be, for many years I thought that there was someone that I needed to be.
Some people might say this model for human development is critical and unavoidable. This is probably true, but its not the whole story. This is the way I see it: Certainly during childhood, adolescence, and perhaps even early adulthood, having a positive idol or role model character or figure to emulate is crucial. This obviously begins with parents and siblings and then moves to other people as one gets older. As a person grows and strives to be independent, a new character is then created in the mind, one that is a composite of many of the different characteristics from various real people which the individual has admired or been drawn to. This is then the character that so many people end up measuring themselves against when seeking a point of reference for their own sense of adequacy. This phase may last many years, or even a lifetime. If a person does not learn to question and eventually depose the idol that they worship in their minds, it eventually becomes a hinderance to any further development. In fact it can even become source of acute suffering.
All sense of inadequacy, shame, or guilt comes from this idea that I should do something or be someone different than what I actually am or do. An ideal has been created and I am being judged against it. As life progresses, this constant comparison becomes a heavy burden to bear.
The fundamental misunderstanding which causes this suffering is the idea that some things should and other things should not be. It seems so fundamental- I prefer certain things to others and thus the things that I prefer should be and those that make me suffer should not be. The fact is however that whether or not I prefer something or deem it worthy of a justifiable existence is irrelevant. Who am I to pass judgement of Existence?
Acceptance of what IS, is a pre-requisite to being able to experience the world without the delusional filters of preference and desire that my mind otherwise introduces. That is not to say that I should only observe life and not try to do anything at all. To the contrary, getting involved in my world is necessary for me to feel truly realized and complete. There is nothing wrong with trying to change a situation in order to decrease my suffering or the suffering of others. The point here however, is to use true Wisdom as the rudder which guides my decisions about what to do and how to act instead of being pulled by the ear by some psychological ideal. True Wisdom is nothing more than experiencing things clearly, as they are, without warping my sensory perceptions by means of the filters of attachment within my mind. When Wisdom informs all my actions there is no need to question or compare- I can be at peace with what IS and at the same time be a dynamic element in creating something new.
Goodnight,
Kikta