A digest for conscious living
I did not have time to do my practice this morning, but I was able to find time to meditate during the day and went on an evening run before dinner.
Im feeling a bit frustrated this evening. In spite of all the inner work that I do and all the wonderful experiences and realizations that I have, its seems that sooner or later I manage to fall into old patterns of behavior that do not harmonize with the way I would like to be. Within the past week, my wife and I have had two or three arguments which I believe were unnecessary and detrimental to maintaining a balanced and clear state for both of us. Not to metion that these sorts of conflicts are painful and simply bad for our relationship and closeness.
Often I can be all too easily triggered by her and end up acting in a manner that does not resonate with the wisdom that is available to me much of the time. I know that she feels the same way about these issues, but both of us keep getting caught in the same behavioral traps. The truth is I love my wife very much, and I know that she and I have a very deep and cosmic relationship. It is one of the pillars on which I have built my life. This is what makes the situation all the more puzzling and difficult- it is as if the person I am closest to is also the clearest mirror which reflects my shortcomings in starkest relief.
Normally when these sorts of situations arise, one or both of us fall under the spell of some emotion of perceived hurt or grievance which disguises itself meticulously beneath thoughts and ideas which validate and confirm our emotional perspective. For my part I feel bad and think that I am being attacked or wronged and that I must stand up and protect myself. It can sometimes be extremely difficult to see beyond these emotions and thoughts. Almost invariably however, in retrospect it becomes clear that I was just projecting my own unrelated negative feelings on a person or situation- in this case the object of what would normally be my deep love, my wife.
Luckily my wife and I have a very strong relationship and we are very good at forgiving, but dealing with the negative feelings and energy that are created when we fight for even one day is something that I would like to avoid- permanently. This behavior is a trap for creating negativity and suffering and although it is a sophisticated and well camouflaged snare, I hope to become aware enough to discern it in the future before I get tangled in it. To be fair this has already started to happen and there is no doubt that our practice has been instrumental in raising our level of awareness.
Now that I have become more accustomed to the feeling of living in harmony and clarity, it is all the more painful and distressing to visit these old and familiar places of frustration and conflict. I want to chart a course away from them and never look back.
Goodnight,
Kikta